These past few days, my mind isn't steady. Really, there's something wrong with it - not me. I talk to myself very often when no one's around, and I have tons of thoughts about my DAMN life!. I admit that I am depressed than ever before - that I can't handle it anymore. I wanted to just let it all out but I don't want to tell anybody. I mean, ME MYSELF IS A BIG MESS! and I don't want anyone to be a part of this junk.
When people makes fun of me, I laugh - half meant - since this damn feeling is killing me. This feeling about all the academic failures (though I am still doing fine but I want to fail all my major subjects because I DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE and my digestive system can't take it anymore. I don't want to listen anymore about all the MATH stuff), and next, is the fact that I am a FASTMAN - one day millionaire.
That's not all. This is my blog so let me say that..uhmmm... I'm tired with my life..really.
If my mother will find out that I'll going to extend another year contract here in NORSU and shift to another course, she will be sad, really sad. She only have 2 years remaining in a planet until the contract is off. It means that I can't pursue my studies anymore unless I work for myself and send my sister in College as well.
I CAN'T IMAGINE MYSELF FACING ALL THESE CHALLENGES WITH MY YOUNG HANDS!
I mean, I am still 18 years old and I should not be thinking about all these things but I can't escape the fact that...uhmmmm
1. 2 years from now, I'll going to send my sister in college
2. after 2 years, my mother don't have a work so I need to support her
3 I need to support all the two of them
4. I need to finish my studies
5. My mother is old so I need to take care of her
And now, I'm still merely EIGHTEEN YEARS OF AGE. GOD. I'M SO YOUNG and I keep on thinking about this EVERY NIGHT.. I'm losing weight now, maybe it's the result of the overthinking nights. I'm weird because I act so happy at school yet so silent at my room that even my boardmates are afraid of my weirdness.
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME and you can't blame me since i don't know what to do..really.. I don't...
I've been alone for almost 6 years already without no one who watches over me but I am here still acting tough and brave though I don't know how to fight anymore.
I'M SORRY FOR BEING WEIRD. I'M SORRY IF I HURT THE FEELINGS OF EVERYONE. I"M SORRY FOR BEING NOISY AND CRAZY SINCE THIS IS MY ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION AND SHIT!..I'M SORRY IF I'M K.S.P or O.A. or whatever..
I JUST DON'T WANT TO STAY IN MY ROOM BECAUSE I DID NOTHING THERE BUT TO THINK - IT MAKES ME INSANE
LET ME TELL YOU THIS..YOU ARE MY FAMILY AND I DON'T CARE IF I DON'T BELONG OR I DON'T EXIST IN YOUR MINDS.
THE THING IS, YOU ARE MY TEMPORARY FAMILY, TN.
I PLAYED THIS GAME BECAUSE OF THREE THINGS: